Friday, May 25, 2012

Movie Review: Battleship

 Dear Hollywood,
Do you really want to stop internet piracy? Do you really want to keep the interwebs from stealing food from the mouth's of Gaffer 1's family?
I might have some advice....
STOP MAKING SHIT FEST MOVIES THAT AREN'T WORTH THE FILM THEY'RE ON! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND IS GONNA PAY TO SEE SHIT LIKE THIS???
This movie is a complete waste of people's money.
The best way to describe the characters is you could cut and paste them in almost any Michael Bay movie or vice versa and they'd be just as relevant. The characters are so cliche....nerdy science guy with round glasses, beard and ipod; slacker protagonist that saves the day; smoking hot eye candy that we're supposed to believe is a physical therapist, a bunch of anabolic rejects from Gold's Gym that we're supposed to believe are in the US Navy and  a stereotypical big angry black man.....but he's got no legs! Oh yeah and Liam Neeson as an Admiral...he's in the movie for all of 5 minutes...what's the point besides a paycheck? There's also John Carter from Mars and Rihanna...she says boom :/
The plot is assinine, the aliens arrive exactly the same way the Transformers did in the first Bayformers movie. In fact Battleship looks like they picked up all the cutting room floor scraps from Transformers and Armageddon  and spliced it together to make this movie.  The movie is so predictable also....we got an unconscience alien, what should we do? does it wake up suddenly while we're examining it? C'mon how many times has that been done in an Alien /monster movie? Everytime!!!
So some NASA hipsters create a com-relay that somehow reaches an Earth like planet somewhere in the universe, the Aliens travel across the Universe and land in the Pacific...one hits a satelite and crashes into Hong Kong....really? A satellite....that's like (to keep it relevant) an aircraft carrier hitting a dingy while pulling into New York Harbor and careening out of control into the statue of Liberty. Just Stupid.
So these aliens travel across the universe to start some shit but find they are ill prepared to deal with the suns harmful UV rays...
O.O
 Thankfully Daft Punk has created helmets for them to protect their sensitive eyes....now if only they could hear! I mean c'mon a battleships main gun rotating has to be kinda noisy right? Dumbass Alien just stood there.
Oh and on that note why the fuck did the aliens not just fly outta the water and rip the Erf a new one, they were able to travel across the Universe to reach us right?
Don't even get me started on the alien design...straight up CG amorphous humanoid with porcupine quils for a soul patch beard OMFG PATHETIC!!!
Maybe Earth's gas prices were cost prohibitive...
The dialog in no way helped this hot mess "Boom"..."I got this" etc who wrote this a 6th grader?
Battleship runs a little over 2 hours, that's 40 minutes longer than necessary in my opinion and if they cut out all the slow mo (every 10 mins ) the movie would clock in at a reasonable 90 mins.
This movie is a gold mine for a MST3K treatment! Especially the fight between big angry parapalegic black army guy "I got this" and the Alien Capt Ahab....pure comedy gold!
For anyone who plans on going to the movies this Memorial Day weekend and you are deciding between Battleship and The Avengers TRUST ME..go see the Avengers! Battleship will be in Best Buys bargin bin a month after release on DVD.
D+