Friday, December 28, 2007

Movie Review: Aliens VS Predator Requiem

GET TO THE CHOPPAH!!!!!
Those four words immortalized by Dutch in the original Predator movie back in 1987...yup it's been 20 years since humanity has been dealing with those ugly mother f'ers! And we haven't learned a dam thing....at least Hollywood hasn't. AVP-R begins right where AVP ended, aboard the Predator ship leaving Earth. The corpse of the fallen Predator bursts open to the promise of new life of the "Predalien". Some how that little shit gets loose and grows big enough to kill the entire Predator crew before they leave the Earths atmosphere. Back on the Predators home world a distress signal is received and a sole Predator hops in his trusty galaxy 5 star ship and takes the HOV lane to Earth.
That's pretty much where the creativity and originality ends.
Welcome to Racoon City.......oops I mean Colorado.
This cozy mountain town is in for a rude awakening when Aliens, a Predator with magic blue elixir and some freaky hybrid of the two square off.
Lets just tally up the scorecard...
Homeless guys = dead
Homeless lady = dead
Homeless German Shepard = dead
Park Ranger = dead
Father and son on a hunting trip = dead
Creepy chef = dead
Waitress = dead
A whole Platoon of armed Nation Guard = dead
Evil Jock + Concubine = dead
Power Plant Guy = dead
2 Pot heads tokin up in a gun shop = dead
Husband of Ellen Ripley's great great great great grand mother =dead
Pregnant Lady= dead
Nurse = Dead
Here's what ya need to know in case this shit happens to your town...
1) Find a guy who's named after a state capital
2) Find a woman who knows how to shoot a high powered rifle and drive an armored vehicle
3) Stick with them ^
4) Avoid the evil jock and his cronies
5) Don't forget to get a spare car key from the dealer!
6) Don't EVER, NEVER EVER go swimming with hot chick in class after school is closed.
7) If your little daughter says there's monsters outside...GET THE F*CK OUTTA HOUSE!!!
8) Wear your uniform!
9) Do NOT go to the rendezvous point.
10) GET TO THA CHOPPAH!!!!!!!
If you are a die hard fan of either franchise this IS NOT a distress signal it's a WARNING!!!
All this movie has going for it is.....some OK fights between a vengeful Predator, a lot of aliens and a Predalien that will do some awful awful things to women who are preggers! Oh yeah we get to see Dallas before he gets everyone dead on the Nostromo, a clone of Newt, and the best impersonation of Ellen Ripley I've ever seen!
D